Learning the cha-cha

Here I am once again, after a 13-months sabbatical. You see… this blog has always been an outlet for self-expression. But when I was facing some very personal issues, I felt too much like an emotional mess to even know what I was feeling, let alone share my heart out publicly.

Daddy got sick on the beginning of last year while I was engaged to be married on March. His condition made the entire family focused on him and made me question why I was in the United States to begin with. Making a long history short, the wedding got canceled as I decided to move back to Brazil. I can’t even begin to explain how hard the decision was and how much the break up was painful, because saying good bye to a great man also meant saying goodbye to his amazing family that will always have a place in my heart.

I received so many emails from followers asking about the wedding, as well as calls from many friends that had bought their flight to Brazil. I apologize for not replying. I apologize for all the tickets to Rio that were wasted. I apologize for the gifts that were returned. I was too deep into my own self rediscovery that honestly I had no ground to even talk about it.

When I finally arrived in Rio little I knew that those would be my dad’s last 2 months. I was clueless of the seriousness of his sickness, and on October I found out he had an uncurrable cancer. He was 81, and if you follow me for a while you may have learn the amazing man he was on this post (which by the way, I am not even able to read it since the wound is too fresh).

I am grateful that I was there to witness his birthday with so many friends and family that love, respect and cherish my father. I am so grateful for the fact that I went to Brazil just in time to be there for him while he was at home and still conscious. I am grateful he was so loved and taken care of. I am grateful for my mom, sister, brother, grandma and family, friends and team of nurses who were there for him, with prayers, patience and gentle care. I am grateful that he went in peace and didn’t suffer much. I am grateful I was able to say my goodbyes. I am grateful that he passed away with my mom by his bed side – a love and dedication that you only see in movies.

I am a deep believer that everything in life is a blessing. With that, I want to share 3 lifetime lessons:

1. True one does exist
I am grateful I had the honor of watching before my eyes what true love is. It is not passion, it is not friendship, it is not about the hottie, it is not chemistry. True love is who will be by your death bed, who is by your side on the good and the bad, who you can count on no matter what. It is putting the vows to work. It is about being selfless, it is who changes your diapers, who is reminding the nurses about every medicine, screaming to the doctors when something is off and making sure you are cleaned, happy and well fed. It is the one person looking over you like your guard angel. Talk about Notebook’s kinda of love in real life! My mom is a wonder woman indeed – loyal, devoted and with a heart of gold. And yep, daddy was a lucky man. I don’t know about you, but I want that kinda of love.

2. My dad’s magic did not die with him
While I was at the hospital by his side I started having the most random ideas for projects and even book ideas. Since his passing I have been even more overloaded with inspiration. After a few months of taking sleeping pills and drinking my way out pushing those ideas away, I finally decided to listen and I am now writing my very first book. I take little responsibility for everything I am creating and writing, because I literally feel that this overload of ideas are somehow a way to translate all his brilliance to the lives of others. His body may be on a grave, but his magic and spirit will somehow continue to be spread.

3. My love tank is full, for life
The amount of love I felt from my dad towards me is just indescribable. Even with all the tubes going through his body, the pain, the drugs and his fragile body conditions, my dad still made the effort to kiss my hand every time I went to visit him. I can’t stop crying to think about the amount of strength needed for him to slowly move his hand towards mine and close his eyes while kissing my hand with so much tenderness. That amount of love is just beyond my capacity to understand, and I just feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world. A man that when he could no longer speak, and that with his last breath of life and the last of his strength, still got out of his way to show his love. My love tank is overfilled with love, for life… and many lifetimes to come. Thank you daddy. I knew what love was, but never to this level. I knew love only conceptually up until then. I wouldn’t trade those last moments with you for nothing in this entire world. And I deeply hope that my love can now reach you, beyond time and space.

I will be heartbroken forever and I will miss him enormously. Even thou I feel like this crack in my heart will never heal, I choose to collect my broken pieces, see the blessings in disguise, own those new lessons, step into this unknown chapter and open myself up to all the experiences life has to offer me.

One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the Queen of her own life and the choice was hers. – Queenisms

Com muito amor, muita gratitude e muitas, mas muitas saudades papis

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